Go For The Joy!
I am always learning more about myself. As a work in progress, I need a writing practice to see what I’m up to and to sort out what is working or not. My brain is like a bowl of spaghetti at times, and paper makes the details clearer. My most recent “A ha!” moment was discovering how stingy I am with myself.
Stingy: Unwilling to give or spend; ungenerous. (Oxford Dictionary)
There have been great strides in this area, for sure. But what I noticed in my journaling is that I have deprived myself of all the joy available to me. I know that creativity and meaningful connections are my lifeblood. I love to write, color, paint, garden, walk in the woods, meet up with people for genuine conversation - happy play time. These are the things that really light me up! But here is what I often do:
I set up “if/then” conditions, where I earn the time to play IF I have completed something “productive” first.
There are definitely benefits to setting up rewards for meeting goals, but it is no way to live. Withholding happiness until I achieve something “legitimate?” Hold on - what?? Yet again, I have rigged the game against my best self. I can be a hard task master. It is a conditioned habit, one that is culturally endorsed and briefly rewarded. Very briefly. I get a few crumbs of dopamine satisfaction in my brain by completing my tasks, but not enough to make a meal.
The good news is that I can drop that mindset. I am the one who set it up - no one else is imposing these rules on me. It is always a relief when I find out I’m my biggest problem, since I’m the only one I can really change. I can be gracious and generous with myself and provide for my creative outlets and authentic connections with people. I can carve out intentional time to appreciate nature and a higher order of things. These give me life and make it worth living. I vow to honor that and to let the juice really flow. I’ll stop rationing scraps to myself for a job well done. I choose to have a life well done.
I hope you find what lights you up and follow it.
Go for the joy!
Tricia
